I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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