i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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