That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
