It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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