he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
