me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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