in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
