My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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