The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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