The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
