I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
