Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
