I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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