My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
