1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
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I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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