i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
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We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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