I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
