i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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