I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
