My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
