Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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