if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
