i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
