but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
