Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
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I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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