broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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