I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
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MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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