I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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