You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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