good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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