Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
