He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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