Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
