May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
