The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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