Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
