Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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