Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize