i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
