then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
