Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
