oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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