Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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