sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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