So drunk its hurt
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
