yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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