guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
