he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
