if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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