its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
