i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
