So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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