i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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