its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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