You can't special order awesome
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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