So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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