Someone shit on the floor
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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