He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
