And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
where are my pants?
in the oven.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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