I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
